Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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