New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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