There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
