I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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