Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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