You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
