Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
