i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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