got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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