but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
