I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
