After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
