chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
