please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
