I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
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My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
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I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize