Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
