if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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