Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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