I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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