thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Farmville is her only friend.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
