How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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