He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
