A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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