someone owes me an orgasm
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
