I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
