We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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