I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
