all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
