i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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