he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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