We named our party play list daddy issues
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
