I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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