She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Text me some of your sweat
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