i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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