The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
