just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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