If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
