I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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