I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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