the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
