If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
