If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
