I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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