he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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