So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
