You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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