i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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