I saw his package. It spoke to me.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
