how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
