your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
