its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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