sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
