There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
