apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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