who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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